Fearless Predictions for 2009

In January, the northern states that border on Canada will all experience long periods of snow and below average temperatures. The population of the southern states bordering Mexico will swell with thousands of Rio Grande swimmers explaining they have been inspired by Michael Phelps when questioned by border patrol agents.

On February 2, the groundhog will see its shadow and as a result the northern states could expect six more weeks of snow and cold and the southern states could expect six more weeks of wet Mexicans.

Clint Eastwood will win the Academy Award for his role as the grumpy old man in Grand Torino. In his acceptance speech he will announce that he is trying not to be typecast and will next appear with Sarah Palin in the movie, Ma and Pa Kettle Go To Fairbanks.

The Obamas will set Washington society on its ear by introducing a number of new events like pajama parties, popcorn and licorice movie nights, and wiener roasts on the White House lawn, instead of state dinners and formal balls, so their girls can participate.

George W Bush will begin construction of his Memorial Library and Museum near Crawford, Texas. To date he has gathered his first grade notebooks, his Hardy Boy collection and the primary story book he was reading when informed of the Trade Centre bombings on 9/11. A focal point of his museum will be the Mission Accomplished banner and his Photoshop enhancements of the Iraqi WMD sites.

Despite having spent $432 million on Sabathia, Burnett and Teixeira the New York Yankees will NOT win the 2009 World Series. In a fit of frustration, the Steinbrenners will trade the entire Yankee roster to the Nippon Ham Fighters (believe it or not, this is a real professional team) of the Japanese league. In return, they receive the exclusive North America franchise rights to Yakamoto Sushi!

The Big Three Automobile makers will unveil their restructuring plan. It will primarily consist of removing the current models from production and introducing the Chevy Accord, the Ford Sentra and the Chrysler Corolla. They will appear remarkably familiar to buyers, but the Big Three will simple point out that the hood ornaments, name plates and trunk labels have all been made in the US by US workers and the rest of the car just “resembles” the original Japanese models.

The development of solar, wind and thermal technology, as alternative energy sources, will drive the price of oil to an all time low of ten cents a barrel. At the same time, however, sunshine will cost $33 a minute, wind will cost $44 a gust and thermal heat will cost each family their first borne child. Ethanol will no longer be produced as a bio-fuel, but used to mix with orange juice like it was meant to in the first place.