Not a Chick Magnet But a Noise Magnet

Everybody has the ability to attract others into their life space. Some guys are chick magnets and some guys attract animals as though they were human milk bones. Some people just seem to pull interesting people towards them and others repel friends and acquaintances like a smelly diaper. But we all have some capability to affect others.

Unfortunately, for some reason, I attract the loud and noisy into my sphere. As the poem Desiderata proposes, “Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.” Somehow, no matter where I am, if there is someone with a big mouth, a loud voice or an irritating cackle they manage to invade my world.

On a recent flight home, we found our way into the waiting lounge about an hour before the flight. The seating area was sparsely populated and I chose a seat away from the television screens so that I could quietly read my book. Within five minutes, two young couples sat in the row next to us and began to chat. One of the men had an incredibly irritating voice and he proceeded to tell all within a five-mile radius about his holiday adventures. We learned of his favorite drinks, his excessive consumption and the resulting vomiting and heaving. I gave thanks that he did not sit near me on the plane or I would have been forced to gag him.

The same thing often happens in restaurants as well. In the booth next to us Joe Yapper expounds on his golf score, his best shot and the miraculous putt on the seventh hole for all to hear. To punctuate his dismal story he has a hilarious laugh and uses it to mark the end of every sentence. Even changing tables would not remove the piercing prattle from my ears.

One of my biggest vexations is the person who must chat in a movie. No matter how quietly they are explaining the last scene to their companion, it always pre-empts the dialogue on the screen. Today’s movies are not that intricate or complex that they need explanation or commentary, but that does not deter the movie mouth. I’m sure that if I were the only one in the theater, hiding in a front row seat, the next customer would sit behind me and talk even if he had no companion. I just attract the yappy, the chatterers and the vocally irritating.

What happened to the sanctity of personal space? What happened to respecting the rights and comfort of others? What happened to being seen and not heard? Perhaps I need to go on the offensive. I should develop a bellicose, braggadocio persona full of verbal diarrhea with a belly laugh and an end of statement snort! Come to think of it, that may not be a bad idea! Har-de-har, yuck-yuck, yabber-yabber, snort!