Friday, June 5, 2009

Summer Hiatus

Having turned the corner into the summer season, it is now time to put Ken's Kandid Komments to rest for a while. Ken is returning to Canada for a few months and both of his readers are tired of being forced to make regular positive comments. So all three of us are off the hook.

See you in the fall! Maybe!

Friday, May 29, 2009

The Voyage Never Ends!

As everyone knows, I love to travel. Always have and probably always will. I recently stumbled upon a number of travel quotes, some of which I really like, that I’d like to share.

• “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.” - Mark Twain
• “The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” - St. Augustine
• “There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign.” - Robert Louis Stevenson
• “He who does not travel does not know the value of men.” - Moorish proverb
• “No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.” - Lin Yutang
• “For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.” - Robert Louis Stevenson
• “One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” - Henry Miller
• “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain
• “All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” - Martin Buber
• “Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travelers don’t know where they’re going.” - Paul Theroux
• “There is no moment of delight in any pilgrimage like the beginning of it.” - Charles Dudley Warner
• “A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.” - Lao Tzu
• “Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” - Pat Conroy
• “Not all those who wander are lost.” - J. R. R. Tolkien
• “Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen.” - Benjamin Disraeli
• “Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind.” – Seneca
• “To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries.” - Aldous Huxley
• “The first condition of understanding a foreign country is to smell it.” - Rudyard Kipling
• “When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable.” - Clifton Fadiman

Hope that you may have found one or two quotes that you enjoyed!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Best Things in Life Cost Money

Frank Sinatra used to croon the following lovely song:

The moon belongs to everyone,
The best things in life are free.
The stars belong to everyone,
They gleam there for you and me.
The flowers in spring, the robins that sing,
The moonbeams that shine,
They're yours, they're mine.
And love can come to everyone,
The best things in life are free.

Frank would probably have to rethink the lyrics if he was still alive today. The USA would probably declare ownership of the moon since they have staked their flag on the lunar soil and the ownership of the stars is likely on the agenda of a future G-20 summit. Picking wild flowers in spring is illegal and the robin population is becoming endangered. Moonbeams are a non-profitable resource so no one cares if they are free and love can be purchased by phone, online or in person, globally. So, not much in life is really free any more!

Each day I am impacted by the fact that just about everything now costs money. When I fly, if I pre-select a seat I must pay for the privilege. If I should be bold enough to want to carry baggage I must pay a fee for each suitcase I take. If I pay my baggage fee at the airport, I am charged another fee for that service. If I had paid online there would not have been a charge. How generous! We have now invented a fee, for the privilege of paying a fee!

Times are really becoming desperate. Pretty soon water and air will no longer be free. Come to think of it, a 500 ml bottle of water costs over a dollar and as a result a gallon of drinking water now costs nearly ten dollars – far more than the price of gasoline. And a recent trip to a service station introduced me to an air pump, to fill up my car tire, for only one dollar a shot! So “the best things in life are free” notion has reached its ultimate demise, as we must now pay for air and water. Can a charge for breathing be far away?

Sinatra’s happy ballad needs to be rewritten. Perhaps it might begin with:

Nothing belongs to everyone,
Everything cost some loot,
A bus ride costs two fifty, and
Parking a buck a foot.

The best things in life cost money
Nothing is really free,
The world is getting greedy, and
Overcharging both you and me!

Chorus: Do be do be do
Be do be
Do be do be do!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Like a Walk in The Rainforest

Sometimes the rituals or practices of the Catholic Church baffle me. When I go to Sunday mass it is an opportunity for me to worship, pray and find an hour of tranquility in an otherwise hectic world. Last Sunday that all changed.

For some reason, the church I attended introduced a new practice that was very annoying. After the entrance procession, about six parishioners met with the priest at the main alter. Before the mass began it was decided that the entire congregation would be blessed with holy water. Usually the priest just symbolically sprinkles a little water in the direction of the congregation from the foot of the alter.

Last Sunday a more dramatic blessing was introduced. Each of the six parishioners was given a bowl of water and a rather large tree branch well endowed with leaves. The enthusiastic “sprinklers” gleefully dipped their branches into the water bowl and began to spray the parishioners. With a twinkle in their eyes, they proceeded down the aisles spraying left and right with unrestrained vigor. Water flew like a family of robins splashing in a birdbath.

The congregation tried to remain solemn and composed but they were quickly forced into a defensive mode. Everyone wearing glasses turned their heads away from the possessed sprinklers trying to avoid spotting on their glasses. Everyone on the left jerked their heads to the right and everyone on the right jerked their heads to the left. A Broadway chorus line could not have been choreographed with more precision.

Ladies wearing their Sunday best were paralyzed with the fear that the deluge would ruin their new suede jacket or silk blouse. Some people sitting in the middle of a pew were trapped with assaults from both sides. It was intended to be a solemn moment but it quickly deteriorated into a moment of restrained anxiety. I am not sure how it added to the solemnity of the occasion. By the time all of the wearers of glasses had cleaned their glasses and the children had finished playing in the puddles that had accumulated on the seats, the mass was half over.

If the congregation must be blessed with holy water, I would like to suggest that perhaps a plant mister, like that used to spray houseplants, be utilized instead of a tree branch. I understand the intent of the blessing with water, but my recent experience was more like a walk in a rainforest. Next time I will wear a rain slicker to church!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Team Building is For Twits!

The corporate world has fallen in love with team building activities and exercises. The theory is that the team that plays together, stays together. And by extension, the group becomes more efficient, effective and productive in the workplace. All I can say is “Hogwash!”

Team building activities are usually an expensive way to allow the staff to act silly and get drunk. If the group camps out together in a wilderness setting or goes whitewater rafting or climbs a rugged mountain trail, all that will develop are sore muscles, the start of a cold, and a number of hangovers. Rather than developing a more cohesive and bonded team, the members often become more resentful, disgusted or intolerant of each other. They may have had fun but the “team” is no more built than it was before they started.

In my opinion, a team is built only when the members are focused on the same goals, are committed to those goals and work hard to achieve them. The more that each member recognizes the same commitment, focus and hard work in his team members, the stronger the team will be. Participating in some peripheral activity like golfing together, climbing a high pole or learning to sail has no relation to building a team. The team that plays together just plays, it doesn’t advance the group’s real goals.

I recently read of a new corporate team building activity- playing in a child’s bouncy castle. For $2000 a team of twenty can rent a big inflatable castle for two hours and bounce individually or collectively to their hearts content. Among the activities that you can play in the castle are Follow the Leader, Tag Team Climbing and Kneeling Basketball. Can’t you just visualize the corporate board of General Motors bouncing around trying to solve their financial woes?

I am sure that when the team returns to the staff room at the office it will be hard to keep them from bouncing on the couch and playing tag. And Corporate America spends millions of dollars on these inane team-building activities each year. Has anyone ever done a scientific study on the overall effect of these activities on the team achieving its stated business goals?

If someone has, I would love to read it! Only then will I see this team building nonsense in another light.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I’m Living and Learning Again!

A man’s love of a sport evolves over his lifetime. For example, as a child we played baseball for fun with a stick and a ball. Then we may have played in Little League and become the fan of a professional baseball team. We loved to watch games of TV and attending a real live game was the ultimate treat. As we got older we began to play Fantasy Baseball where we picked our own team of professionals to complete statistically with other old jocks. Fantasy sports are immensely popular today.

Well I have just learned about a new fantasy sport that has grown into an $800 million industry with more than 30 million players in the US and Canada that I have never heard of – fantasy fishing Yes Virginia, there is such a thing as fantasy fishing. And you can win a million dollars. And you don't have to pay an entry fee.

Before each of the six regular-season tournaments on the largest pro bass-fishing circuit in the U.S., you pick 10 anglers at fantasyfishing.com. The better your picks do, the more points you rack up. The winner of each tournament gets $100,000. Whoever piles up the most points over all six tournaments wins the million. That's quite a nice catch. The first tournament each year is held in February on Lake Guntersville in Huntsville, Ala.

Fantasy fishing provides more prize money to people who “play the game” than any other fantasy sport! I find this absolutely mind-boggling. And I have missed out on playing it because I just heard about it. You don’t need to even know anything about the “professional fishermen” because for $10 you can buy the “stats guide” for all the participants, just like buying the program at the racetrack.

I am just going to have to become more vigilant. Opportunities like this might exist in other areas such as fantasy hog calling, fantasy moonshine making or fantasy horseshoes. I think a field trip to the Ozarks might be necessary to do a little advance scouting.

It continues to blow my mind when I think of all the things that I still have to learn! I don’t even know what I don’t even know anymore! Fantasy fishing?

Monday, May 18, 2009

How to be Renewed, Recharged and Reawakened

All of my life I used to think soap was soap and shampoo was shampoo. How wrong I have been. Had I read the labels on some of the shampoos and shower gels on the market I would probably have had magnificent movie star hair and the complexion of a god.

One shampoo is sold as Highlight Activating Moisturizing Shampoo with Light Enhancer. It maintains on the label that it will renew silky texture, recharge parched highlights and reawaken sparkling shine. Can you believe it – renewing, recharging and reawakening all in one shampoo?

After shampooing it might be wise to follow up with Naturalizing Conditioner with Light Enhancer. The container claims that the conditioner will banish distressed hair texture, brighten shimmering highlights and bestow glorious shine. How exciting to know that it will banish, brighten and bestow! Alliteration of benefits seems to be an advertising essential.

But wait, you are not yet finished! You may still apply a dab of Luminous Color Glaze shine gloss, which will intensify glossy shine and dramatically smooth texture. And finally, you might wish to use Color Thrive with Fade Lock Technology, “an exciting new system that helps block your hair color from fading, prolonging the life of your hair color.” I didn’t know there were so many things you could do to your hair!

After applying all of the hair treatments it is time to finish your shower. One product advertises itself as Warm Amber Shower Gel – a precious, aromatic and festive soap-free cleanser with moisturizing Community Trade organization organic honey. The manufacturer claims that it is “Made with Passion” and explains it as follows: “Some scents go back years. With aromatic amber, make that hundreds of years. We’ve blended precious amber extract with notes of orange blossom, ginger, sandalwood and myrrh, to create a fragrance that’s festively exotic, spicy and utterly decadent.”

I guess it goes without saying that my years of just reaching for a bar of Zest and a bottle of Head and Shoulders will just not cut it anymore! But we live and learn – don’t we? Good grief!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Random Thoughts and Ramblings

Some days my brain gets away from me. It just takes off without permission and begins to explore issues and questions that some times even surprise me. For example:

• I really wonder if the Goodyear Blimp that hovers above most American sporting events is really necessary. Does anyone really care if they can view Yankee Stadium or a Super Bowl game from a camera a thousand feet in the air? I know I can live without it, can you?

• When you wash dishes do you often find that dried on egg yolk is still stuck to a plate even after a half hour high temperature scrubbing? Why doesn’t someone develop a car paint or house paint that contains egg yolk that would be as durable and permanent as old egg on a plate?

• In a similar vain, everyone has tried to exterminate the indestructible dandelion from their lawns. Without a doubt, the dandelion always prevails. Can some genius botanist not combine the stamina and resilience of the dandelion with useful vegetables like peas and carrots to provide us with a never-ending quantity of these desirable veggies instead of that persistent, aggravating, little yellow weed?

• Canadians love their hockey. All hockey games are officiated by referees who will call penalties for infractions of the rules such as tripping or holding. How come in the hockey playoffs the offences that are not allowed during the season are acceptable in the playoffs? I don’t buy the stupid explanation that in the playoffs there is more at stake. A penalty is a penalty, in October or in May, in my humble opinion. Isn’t it?

• In recent years, airlines have stopped providing meals on most flights. Consequently thousands of employees around the world who prepared, packaged and delivered meals to the thousands of daily flights became unemployed. Does anyone remember any of these workers or companies screaming for a government bailout or exorbitant compensation? I don’t!

• Back to hockey again! Did you know that the random drug testing of players, which is required during the regular season, is not carried out during the hockey playoffs? Can anyone provide a logical explanation? It’s kind of like saying that shoplifting is illegal but on Sunday the store will be open and there will be no staff working. Help yourself if you want, no one is watching!

• And finally, I would like to nominate the spaghetti squash for Vegetable of The Year. It is relatively unknown and is one of Mother Nature’s best-kept secrets. Simply cut it in half, steam it for twenty minutes, scrape out the spaghetti-like interior and you have the best pasta alternative that I know. It provides for a non-carbohydrate Italian dinner in minutes!

If anyone should happen to encounter my mind wandering somewhere in their neighborhood, would you please return it. I sometimes get lonely without it!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Was Chicken Licken An Abused Hen?

The United States produces about 100 billion eggs, with Americans consuming an average of more than 250 eggs a year. The above fact seems harmless and simple doesn’t it? The truth however, is that there is an epidemic of chicken abuse occurring daily to provide you with the main ingredient for your scrambled egg breakfast.

In days of yore when Ma and Pa Kettle were running the farm, the chickens had the run of the roost as well as the living room. They were free-range birds that foraged for themselves and ate at the farmyard buffet as they pleased. Everyone, including the chickens, seemed to be happy. As the world modernized and the demand for eggs increased, our happy little cluckers had to become more disciplined and productive.

Eventually, chicken farms became known as industrial animal agriculture systems. Five or six hens were confined in wire cages called battery cages and fed a diet of carefully selected grains, additives and assorted chemicals. Egg production zoomed and again everyone seemed happy.

Then The Humane Society of the USA disagreed. The president of the society claimed, “Battery cages represent the most intensive form of confinement in factory farming today. The cages are so restrictive that the birds cannot even spread their wings.” The Humane Society argued that the birds were packed in so tightly that they also could not engage in other natural chicken behaviors such as nesting, dust bathing, perching and foraging. I don’t know about you, but these restrictions certainly pull at my heartstrings.

Naturally, it didn’t take long before thousands of animal right’s activists took up the cause of the hapless hens and denounced the factory type of egg production. The movement continues to grow and increasing numbers of people are demanding that stores and restaurants only provide and sell eggs laid by uncaged birds. Chicken Licken must no longer be abused!

I don’t really have any problem with eating eggs that have been laid in the dirt or in a cage. It doesn’t really matter to me. What really strikes me however are the number and strength of animal right’s groups that seem to constantly be making news. It seems they are either, saving the whales, protesting seal hunts, counting whooping cranes or as in this case, uncaging the 280 million hens currently working to provide eggs for your Grand Slam Breakfast at Dennys.

I often feel that there are more people devoted to protecting animal rights than there are to protecting the rights of the homeless, the destitute and so many disadvantaged children! Perhaps the Humane Society also needs to spend a little more time fighting for the humane treatment of humans!

Monday, May 11, 2009

A Lesson on the Tamil Tigers

Today, I finally had to answer my own question of, “Who are the Tamil Tigers really?” Every time I hear the name I conjure up the image of a sports team like the Detroit Lions or the Chicago Bears but I know that I am completely wrong. My research revealed the following information:

The Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE), also known as the Tamil Tigers, are a separatist group in Sri Lanka. They are considered one of the world’s most lethal terrorist groups by 32 other countries.

The Tamils are an ethnic group that lives in southern India and on Sri Lanka, an island of 21 million people off the southern tip of India.

Their Hindu religion and Tamil language set them apart from the four-fifths of Sri Lankans who are Sinhalese—members of a largely Buddhist, Sinhala-speaking ethnic group.

When Sri Lanka (formerly called Ceylon) was ruled by the British, most Sri Lankans regarded the Tamil minority as collaborators with imperial rule and resented that the Tamil's perceived preferential treatment.

But since Sri Lanka became independent in 1948, the Sinhalese majority has dominated the country.

For the past thirty years, the LTTE have been agitating for a homeland for ethnic Tamils, who feel persecuted by Sri Lanka's ethnic majority, the Sinhalese.

The LTTE is notorious for having pioneered the suicide bomb jacket, as well as the use of women in suicide attacks. Members of the LTTE army carry vials of cyanide around their necks in order to commit suicide if captured.

They are blamed for a dozen high-level assassinations, over two hundred suicide attacks, and are engaged in an ongoing civil war in Sri Lanka that has cost more than seventy thousand lives.

The news of the day seems to indicate that this ongoing civil war may soon be over. For the sake of all of the innocents impacted, let us hope so. At least now I understand the entire picture a little better.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Keep It In Perspective, Dingbat!

A recent trip to Calgary again showed me how fickle the weather can be. Although it was near the end of April, we experienced a six-inch fall of snow with temperatures hovering near the freezing mark. The resulting icy road conditions resulted in seven injury accidents and 79 non-injury accidents.

A local newspaper headline screamed, “Icy roads anger drivers.” One angry citizen ranted that the roads were like a skating rink and claimed, “I don’t think there’s any excuse or adequate explanation for the mess.”

Unfortunately, Dingbat there are some very good reasons and explanations for the situation that you are whining about. Firstly, we do not yet control the weather and when it snows, the snow accumulates. When the temperature eases above the freezing mark the snow melts into water and then refreezes into ice if the temperature drops. Thus the roads become icy. I assume that you expect the city to know of your unhappiness and rush to your house immediately with a sanding truck. The other one million residents should stand in line behind you.

This ridiculous situation did not deserve a headline in the paper nor a quote by Mr. Dingbat. The city probably has a couple thousand miles of city streets that they service and maintain. To react to a disgruntled citizen over one icy road that would probably be melted by day’s end is unnecessary. Mr. Cranky Pants get a life!

If Mr. Cranky thinks he is being hard done by because of a little inconvenience, consider the following. In Nassau, where I live, a developer built a 156-lot subdivision in 2005. Houses were built and people moved into the dwellings. As of April 2009, the families have been forced to live without electricity, telephones, water and sewage for the past FOUR YEARS. Everyone involved in the fiasco is pointing fingers in typical blame-someone-else fashion. Now that’s inconvenience!

If you think a little ice on the road for one day is a big problem, consider the residents of Killarney Shores who cannot turn on a light, have a bath, flush a toilet or make a phone call. At least not at home and not for the past four years. So keep it in perspective, Dingbat, and throw a little salt on the ice or stay home and watch cartoons!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I Want To Be An Executive Compensation Consultant!

One of life’s biggest decisions is the choice of a career or profession. In the past the choices were limited to traditional occupations like a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer or an accountant. Today the choices are unlimited, creative and very complex. In fact, I just heard of a great career opportunity – an Executive Compensation Consultant.

If I were searching for a career that is the job I would want. Just imagine! A CEO of a major company is trying to decide how to compensate both himself and his senior officers for a job well done. It would appear to be self serving and probably avaricious to grant oneself a major bonus. The shareholders and the public at large would be up in arms if the executives were to receive a large salary increase. When the economy is declining, stock prices are dropping and the company is losing money the last decision a smart CEO would want to make is increase the compensation package of the company’s executives. Enter the Executive Compensation Consultant.

A consultant is not an employee of the company that is examining executive compensation and is thus considered a neutral third party. The third party examines the financial status of the company in question and then develops a compensation plan that has nothing to do with the financial facts.

Any consultant worthy of the prestigious title knows that his only decision is to determine how much and how elaborate an executive compensation he will recommend. He has nothing to lose by being extravagant and generous. In fact, the more money and perks that he suggests as just and fair compensation for a companies top executives, the larger fee he can probably charge.

You can be sure that the news of an extra generous compensation package will spread like VD to other major CEOs. A consultant, who has no problem making generous awards and bonuses, will be so in demand that he will probably have to develop a compensation package for his own hard work and effort.

In my next life I will become an Executive Compensation Consultant. If your recommendations are extravagant you will be overworked and if your suggestions are too low you will be given a second chance to enhance them. Talk about a win-win job! It’s kind of like being Santa Clause in a business suit!

Monday, May 4, 2009

George W Bushes First 100 Days of Retirement

Recently President Obama marked his first 100 days in office as President of the US. Naturally, former President Bush also completed his first 100 days of retirement during the same period. While Obama’s first days received considerable press, Bushes did not. I feel compelled to file that report.

During his first 100 days of retirement, Former President Bush:

• Finally finished reading 'The Pet Goat', which he had started reading to an elementary class in Florida the morning of the 9/11 attacks. Bush explained, “Once I get my hands on a good book I can’t put it down.” He noted that he had to start the book from the beginning again as he had lost track of the plot over the past seven years.

• Watches the Oliver Stone movie “W” every week, as he loves the character portrayed by Josh Brolin. “That character ‘W’, I think was modeled after my brother Jeb,” former President Bush explains.

• Goes quail hunting on his Crawford, Texas ranch at every opportunity when Dick Chaney is out of the country. “Don’t get me wrong. I like Dick, but I prefer to shoot pool with him, not birds!”

• Spends a couple of hours each day preparing to write his memoirs. He has collected a wide variety of colored inks and fountain pens, along with some lined and monogrammed stationery. He has already finished coloring a lovely cover page for the introduction, which he has cleverly named, “Introduction.”

• Is planning to visit some of the foreign countries that he did not get a chance to visit during his presidency. Laura describes him as positively giddy when he talks about traveling to Wasilla, Alsaska and O-Wah-Hoo, HiWi. “There’s nuthin’ like travlin’ abroad to expand your minds and pick up some neat souvenirs,” George claims!

• Has offered to participate in the reality TV show “Dancing with the Stars” next season. “I bin dancin’ the Washington Two Step, the Iraq Hoedown and the WMD Waltz as well as singin’ out of both sides of my mouth for so long now, I think I would be a natural!” an enthusiastic Bush announced to Tom Bergeron.

• Began his Post-Presidential Speaking Tour by speaking to a group of homeless people in Canada. They had agreed to listen politely to Bush for a half hour, in exchange for a bowl of chowder and a sandwich. As the half hour time limit approached, the crowd rose to its feet in anticipation of a hot meal and a chance to escape to the quiet and sanity of their alleys and dumpsters. Bush retorted, “I have not spoken to such an enthusiastic and appreciative audience in years!”

I find it rather heartwarming to know that former President Bush is adjusting well to retirement and is able to keep constructively busy. Perhaps I will invite him to the Bahamas for a bowl of soup so we can commiserate about the joys of no longer having to struggle with the burdens of employment!

Friday, May 1, 2009

It’s Natural Evolution, Not Disaster!

Today’s news is carefully following the potential failure of the American automobile industry. Automakers are faced with the challenge of major rethinking, redesign, restructuring and reinventing their business or facing a slow death. I am empathetic to the thousands of workers who may become innocent victims of a major industry change, but there are always new opportunities presented during times of upheaval.

The 20th Century has already undergone hundreds of major changes in various industries, businesses and occupations. Change is how we evolve and we must adapt to changing times, conditions and circumstances continually. There are a lot of reasons for hope and optimism.

Consider some of the major changes that occurred during the second half of the past century. The era of the small farm disappeared and the mega-farm and reorganized livestock operations emerged. The one-room schoolhouses that dotted the rural landscape grew into larger, more comprehensive schools in larger centers. Small town doctors, dentists and ministers became a vanishing breed. They did not disappear; they just adapted to the changing circumstances and survived in other settings

Many occupations succeeded in new ways. The services of the door-to-door milkman and ice-deliveryman have relocated to small convenience stores or large supermarkets. Mail delivery and the newspaper may soon be a thing of the past but they will reappear in the form of online computer services. The drive-in movie theater has disappeared but the movie business continues to thrive via the take home DVD. Old jobs or industries adapt and evolve. Only if the challenge to change is not accepted will an industry die.

These opportunities are without a doubt very challenging and stressful. There are no guarantees and no clear blueprints anymore. The most difficult aspect will be developing a new way of thinking or exploring potential prospects. We must break out of some of our traditional ways of thinking and doing things, and become far more creative and inventive.

Two things are certain. The automobile industry will not disappear but it will emerge with a different face and a different structure. The kinds of cars, the size of cars, the operating system of the car and the marketing of cars will all be different in the future. It is a form of natural evolution, not an automatic disaster!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Ken’s Tough Times Investment Tip

The world’s economic plight continues. The housing market continues to fall, the stock market is in yo-yo mode, and a logical investment plan is drastically needed.

I consulted my crystal ball and am ready to unveil my very best investment idea. Most people do not want to risk a lot of money, so they are searching for low cost opportunities. They are avoiding mortgages because of Fanny and Freddie and not borrowing because of bank mismanagement. They are staying away from Wall Street, wary of OPEC and you can’t even get in on the ground floor of a good Ponzi scheme anymore!

I actually learned the basis of my investment strategy from an old man I met from Chicago. He was very down-to-earth and told me that his basic stock portfolio contained only one kind of stock. He believed that the best stocks to buy were those companies that produced commodities that you could eat. No matter how tough times can get, people always need to eat and therefore he only bought food company stocks. His portfolio included such stocks as Kraft, Heinz, Betty Crocker, General Mills and Robin Hood. Not a bad idea when you think about it.

My best investment advice is to invest all that you can in cans – of Campbell’s Soup. Canned soup is the ultimate wise investment. Each week I advise my clients to buy a case of soup from a wholesale food outlet. A basement full of cases of canned soup is your best hedge against hard times, recession and even potential depression.

If we sink into a depression, a can of Campbell’s Tomato Soup will become the equivalent of a gold coin during the Middle Ages. A can of soup can be traded for clothes, firewood, fresh produce or transportation. It will become the most sought after and valued currency of the day. In a real pinch, it can ultimately provide food and what greater need will we possibly have during very hard times. He who has the soup will have the power.

Canned soup also has the advantage of a long shelf life and being easy to prepare. A can opener and a little hot water (think melted snow) and you will be able to carry on during the toughest of hard economic times. If you want to get fancy you could stock up on other canned goods but soup is the key to survival.

Feel free to pass my advice on to friends. I only charge one can of soup for each of your referrals!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Lifelong Learning Comes in Many Different Shapes

The movie Slumdog Millionaire is based upon a very interesting premise. A young uneducated man wins a major quiz show by correctly answering all the questions from a wide variety of categories. The promoters of the show cannot fathom how an unschooled youngster could be an expert on so many diverse topics.

The young man knew all of the answers not because he was a book learner, but because his life experiences had put him into some unique situations that revealed some snippets of information that by chance were the basis for the questions on the quiz show. His life experiences were his teacher.

On reflection, I tried to identify a number of occasions in my own life where I incidentally learned something. As a child I remember playing the card game Authors. By playing this game I became familiar with the key works of such authors as Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Robert Lewis Stevenson, William Shakespeare, James Fenimore Cooper, Washington Irving, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Sir Walter Scott, Louisa May Alcott, and Edgar Allen Poe. Without really studying them, I can still remember the key works of these authors.

In a similar vain, I was a big fan of Classics Comics as a child. Famous works of fiction were capsulized into a comic format and because of the comics, I became familiar with the plots and characters of dozens of famous books that I probably would have never read in their original form.

One of the real books that fascinated my as a child was an old tattered family atlas. I remember spending hours finding such exotic locales as Timbuktu, Cairo, Rangoon, Bombay and Katmandu. I loved to find strangely named countries such as Borneo, or strange rivers and mountain ranges. Although it is not a particularly practical skill, it probably helped establish a springboard for my passion for travel in later years.

My childhood love of movies and baseball were also the sources of a lot of incidental learning. I knew the winners of all of the Academy Award winning movies and the works of many actors from the post war years. As a huge collector of baseball cards I was familiar with the teams and records of dozens of famous and obscure baseball players from the 50s and 60s. It was all pretty much useless information except when I was forced to play the board game, Trivial Pursuit, or watch the TV-show, Jeopardy.

I am a wizard at trivial information on a lot of topics. If I had been on Who Wants to be A Millionaire and the questions had to do with authors, famous books, geography, movies or baseball I could have been a millionaire too!

On what subjects are you an expert?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

How to Vacation For a Year For Free!

If I had really set my mind to it, I could have made millions. Instead I chose to become a teacher and live a simple life with simple pleasures. As a retiree, I am now prepared to share one of my million dollar ideas with friends at no charge.

How would you like to take a year long vacation for free? All you have to do is use Ken’s Klever Share-a-Lease Plan. To begin, I suggest you assemble either four or six couples that have similar interests to yours and love to travel. The group needs to select either four or six North American destinations where they all would like to holiday for an extended period of two or three months each.

To illustrate, let us decide that six couples would all like to visit San Francisco, San Diego, Puerto Vallarta, New York, Boston, and Montreal which form a convenient circle of destinations. Each couple would be charged with leasing a condo or apartment in one of the locations for a year. After two months, the couples would move around the circle to the next condo that has been leased by one of the other couples. Over the course of the year each couple would have access to each of the six condos for a two-month period. Four couples would share four condos for three- month periods.

Since the accommodations are all in North America, couples could travel using their own automobile, so the travel expenses would be minimal. The best part of the plan however is that it can operate at no cost to any of the couples if they are willing to lease out their own home for a year. The revenue from leasing your own home should more or less pay for the cost of a condo lease. Brilliant concept don’t you think?

The question of only being out of the country for six months, like most snowbirds, is not an issue. There is a provision through Alberta Health Care that allows a person to be absent for up to two years, without forfeiting AHC coverage, for the purpose of travel. Most people do not know of this provision but we have been using it for years.

If you are a BIG thinker just imagine the possibilities. How about a year in Europe with two months in London, Paris, Vienna, Prague, Rome and Madrid? Or if you are a GIANT thinker, consider the world as your oyster – Seattle, Honolulu, Hong Kong, Bangkok, Istanbul and London? The options are endless and a round-the-world airfare can be less than $3000!

So there you have it. One year of excitement and travel, and all it will cost you is a dram of courage and the commitment to say, “Count me in!” Interested?

Friday, April 3, 2009

Prevent Cruelty to Children – Ban Figure Skating

There are some sports that I would not encourage children to participate in at a competitive level. It is no problem if they play them for fun or with their peers in the schoolyard or gymnasium, but they shouldn’t play them professionally.

I am referring to the sports that do not have an objective scoring system. Sports that can easily determine a winner by the number of goals scored, the fastest time recorded, the distance jumped or that can be measured in some clear concise fashion are fine. Sports like baseball, tennis, golf, hockey, javelin, rowing, or Tiddleywinks can be scored objectively. Play them to your hearts content.

But for your sanity and the sake of your children’s egos and self-esteem, avoid the sports scored by some subjective means. At all costs avoid figure skating, competitive diving, gymnastics and synchronized swimming. The loosey-goosey means of scoring will raise the blood pressure of parents and decrease the feeling of worth in the child. Non-objective scoring by its nature is unfair and faulty. Why would you subject your child to the whim of a prejudiced or marginally competent judge?

Don’t get me wrong. I admire the dedication and commitment of the many Olympic athletes who participate in these later sports. I remember watching a former World Champion figure skater practicing slowly skating the figure eight over and over to try to perfect this portion of the old compulsory program. He must have done it a million times before he was a champion and yet when he competed he was at the mercy of a number of judges trying to assess the perfection of his technique in a fraction of a second. I would hate to see years of hard work, sacrifice and dedication left to be judged by the physical abilities of a group of elderly mortals.

Competitive diving, gymnastics and synchronized swimming all suffer from the same problem. To try to promote some sense of fairness these sports all try to objectively determine “the degree of difficulty” of a jump, a dive or a routine. I think this only makes it harder to compare the performance of athletes who execute different routines. If one diver performs a less challenging dive well, is that better than a diver who performs a more challenging dive less well? How can you tell?

Needless to say I am not taking up diving, figure skating or gymnastics for just this reason. I don’t want to dedicate years of my life to perfecting a five-minute figure skating program and have some judge, who is suffering a hangover or who has just been refused a Canadian residency permit, evaluate my years of effort. I would rather take up bowling because I know that counting the number of pins I knock down is not subject to interpretation.

So help prevent cruelty to children. Let them play water polo not take synchronized swimming, learn lacrosse not the parallel bars, and learn how to high jump not make a triple toe loop! You will be thankful you did.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Gandhi vs. Einstein – You Decide

Two of the most quoted men of the 20th Century have been Mohandas Gandhi and Albert Einstein. I have always loved their use of language and the provocative nature of many of their ideas and beliefs.

Some of my favorite quotations by Gandhi include:
-I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
-Speak only if it improves upon the silence.
-Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
-There are many causes I would die for. There is not a single cause I would kill for.
-You should be the change that you want to see in the world.
-An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.
-To believe in something, and not live it, is dishonest.
-First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
-Seven social sins: politics without principles, wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice.

Some of my favorite quotations by Einstein include:
-Try to become not a man of success, but try rather to become a man of value.
-Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.
-Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
-Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.
-Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction.
-As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.
-I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.

Who do you enjoy more – Mohandas or Albert?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Straightening Out the Big Three Automakers Mess

I have been requested by President Obama to help save the US automobile industry. Of course I told him I would do my best and try to offer some proposals that would help the industry, as well as deal with the global energy and environmental crises.

My ten recommendations for the future include:

Car making companies can only make five kinds of vehicles – a compact car, an intermediate car, a large car, a van and a truck. There is no need for the dozens and dozens of models that only confuse the buyer. Five types are enough.

Each year will only provide three, color choices. 2010 models will be black, tan or red, 2011 models will be gold, white or blue, and 2012 models will be grey, silver or green. The colors will recycle every three years. Nine colors to chose from are enough.

Every vehicle will possess a four or six cylinder engine and the V8 engine will only be a memory. In an energy conscious environment, a small engine is more than adequate for 99% of drivers. The other 1% can vicariously increase their engines power by vocally chanting “Vroom, vroom, vroom!”

Beginning in 2012 ALL vehicles must be hybrids and in 2014 an electric option will be available as well. Every other option will be a standard feature with no additional costs beyond the sticker price.

Cars will only be assembled to fill an order. Just as many books are now only published upon demand, there is no need for hundreds of thousands of cars to sit in lots waiting to be sold. Dealerships will not need huge car storage lots and money will not be tied up in inventory. Plan ahead, order your car and then wait until it is delivered.

A selection of assembly line workers and supervisors will determine the salary that is fair for performing each task on an automobile assembly line. Since most tasks are automated, workers will not be paid as if they were skilled, educated engineers when their job involves tightening three nuts on three bolts. If workers don’t like the new salary scale, fill out a job application at Wal-Mart.

The maximum salary of any automobile executive cannot exceed the salary of the President of the United States. Any executive, who wishes to make a case for a higher salary, is invited to do so at his or her own peril.

The prices of all vehicles will decrease to reflect the lower cost of fewer models, fewer color and option choices, less need for large inventories and lower salaries of many employees of the automobile industry. Pass the savings on to the buyer, not the CEO.

New car owners will be provided with a five-year warrantee that will cost the owner only $200 for minor and $500 for major repairs. Auto companies will be forced to ensure that their work is of a high quality or be required to assume the cost of shoddy workmanship.

At year’s end, automobile company executives may be awarded bonuses. In the next year, however, the price of the company’s automobiles must be reduced by the same percentage, as the executive’s bonus was a percentage of his or her salary. What’s sauce for the goose is probably going to make the gander happy as well!

Mr. President, I have been glad to be able to help. If you need any help with bankers or mortgage lenders just give me a call!